2008 Donruss Americana II

I know, we're a baseball card family around here, but sometimes we come across packs that so far out there that when we open them, we just HAVE to post them for the world to enjoy. Tonight, I was inexplicably drawn to a blaster box of 2008 Donruss Americana II. Maybe it was the John Wayne on the front. That, "Doncha think ya oughtas buy this here box of cards, Pilgrim" kind of thing. When I placed the box on the conveyer, my wife said, "They put John Wayne on baseball cards now?"

I won't post the whole box. I'll save you that much. But, here is the first pack (which will be followed by 'cards of some kind of significance'):

Really? Ponch? My first Americana II card is Poncho? Can you feel my eyes rolling?

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Diana Franklin comes in next. If you're a person who experienced your teen-aged years in the 80's and 90's (watching movies like "Sixteen Candles" and "Pretty in Pink"), then you recognize this girl even if you didn't know her name. She was the French exchange student in "Better Off Dead" (CHRISSSS-MASSSS)...

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I openly admit I have no idea who this woman is. Evidently, a regular on SNL when I quit watching...

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Look familiar? Probably only if you saw "Hairspray," according to the back of her card. I really had no idea I was so out-of-touch with pop culture.

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AH! Wait a minute! The actor formerly known as the guy in "Corvette Summer!" Oh, for those of you that have NO idea what I'm talking about, this guy was Luke Skywalker in the "old" versions of Star Wars (You know, Episodes IV, V, and VI).

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After showing the cards to my wife, her first comment was, "Wow. I hope they get better than that. Though, really, they can only go UP from there, right?" No, not even close.

These packs were filled with actors and actresses I have never heard of, some of which my GRANDPARENTS might not have even recognized! However, there some, well, er, uh, highlights, if you want to call them that...


Yes, that's Vicki Lawrence (Mamma's Family, Carol Burnett, etc), and yes, that is a piece of actress-worn material in the card. I just hope there are some fans on eBay... Yes, the next one is that girl who played the annoying neighbor on "Married...With Children" (Amanda Bearse). And, yes, I have no idea who that girl is, but really, guys, do we even CARE at this point? I mean, how many of you even made down as far as the pouty lips? She's a porn star, right? Nope, evidently a singer (Dani McCulloch)... Whatever.

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Yeap, Mrs. Barbara "it rhymes with rich" Bush. Followed by Mr. "Really, she FELL into the ocean" Wagner, and finally a guy who got royally screwed by George Lucas. Darth Vader was played by one person, but voiced-over by James Earl Jones. The man pictured here (David Prowse) *IS* Darth Vader.... (Edit: Ooops, I had mistaken Bush for Reagan and use the wrong quote.)

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Then, we have Todd "Willis" Bridges. He gives lectures on the dangers of drug abuse to kids. Seriously, that's what his card says. The next two cards came from two different packs. That means I pulled 2/3rds of the cast from "My Two Dads" in one box. I don't know if I should laugh, cry, or get out the matches. (Greg Evigan and Staci Keanan)

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I promise, I'm not posting all 40 cards from the box, but really, who can help but gawk at the absurdity of who all is in these packs? Julia (PLEASE don't dance, Elaine!) Louis-Dreyfus, Scott "Don't you remember me from that singing show" Savol, and Kathie Lee "his bites are worse than his bark" Gifford. Really. I spent HOW MUCH on this box of 'collectible' cards?

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Now, I did manage to pull a trio of classic actresses: Julie Newmar (an obvious hot-chick in her day), a serial #'d Proof of Rhonda Fleming, and Mae "Come On Up and See Me" West.

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In all perfect honesty, I thought these three were the same girl on three different cards. I am clueless to current pop culture. I had no idea who Janel Parrish was (Bratz, among other things), or who Marisol Nichols is (no, I do not watch '24'), nor who Taryn Manning is (nor do I even after reading the back of her card).

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So there you have it. Twenty bucks that might as well have been flushed down the toilet, or set on fire, or rolled and smoked. Next time the urge to buy something stupid hits me, I'll opt for the "Now only $4.95!" box of 2007 Fleer Tradition (or whatever box it was that, of course, featured Junior on it - no kidding, I almost bought it for that reason alone).