Fairfield Guaranteed Memorabilia Pack

As being a part of this blog has already made me do on earlier occasions, I found myself buying something I normally wouldn't buy for the sake of ripping it open and posting it here. And as a sane, rational human being, I realize that what I would most likely pull from a Target Fairfield box like this won't be that great. Take the box cover for instance:

Looks to me like I've got a chance of pulling a game-used Mantle, a Jose Reyes autograph, a game-used David Wright, or a Jackie Robinson swatch.

Let's tear in.

Hmmm, looks like I get to open a little more stuff. The memorabilia card is in an envelope, and I got a pack each of 2004 and 2005 Topps baseball, both series 2.

Let's not eff around here...I'm going for the good stuff first.

But before we get any further, I need to point out my realization that, if cropped effectively, the skin of my hand can be made to look positively pornorific.

Oh. Great. Sammy Sosa.
I'll try to contain my excitement

Why? Why a stinking, dirty Cub? And a cheater at that? Why did I get a card with a built-in glue stain?
For those of you counting at home, this is a 2003 Fleer Platinum Scouting Report, #030/250.

How come it doesn't say, "Uses steroids" underneath attributes? This thing will be on eBay within a matter of hours, unless someone wants to offer something better in trade.

Oh, and here's the other packs.
2004
439 Darrell May
697 Bengie Molina Gold Glove Award
409 Paul Wilson
686 Ryan Wagner Draft Pick
394 Chris Woodward

2005
569 Willie Harris
663 Mariners Team
BB101 Barry Bonds Home Run History #101
552 Jeff Cirillo
652 Dodgers Team
692 Dodgers Prospects Chad Billingsley/Joel Guzman

Don't buy these things, people.