2009 WWE Heritage IV: A Purchase Made Out of Spite

When I posted a pack rip from 2009 Topps last week and mentioned that I had to go across the country to get those cards, I was half-joking. But this weekend, I again went to my local Wal-Mart and Target, and AGAIN I found no 2009 baseball cards. No Topps, no Upper Deck. No packs, no blasters, no cereal boxes, nada. I was taunted by Timeline, Stadium Club, Documentary, Updates and Highlights, 2008 Topps Series 2, and Heritage High Numbers. What the heck is wrong with my jerkwater town?

So at Target, I found myself staring at a single $10 blaster of WWE Heritage. Though my wrestling geekdom has been well-established, I've resisted the urge to by freaking wrestling trading cards time and again over the past few years. Finally, I had a moment of frustration and weakness. Five five-pack cards and a BONUS four-card pack? Sounds great! Allen and Ginter inserts, and the potential for match-used relics? Who wouldn't want a swatch of Hacksaw Jim Duggan's tights? Okay, never mind. With The Wrestler in the running for a few Oscars tonight, today seems like an appropriate day to rip some rasslin' cards. Ring the bell!

27 John Cena - Ugh, one of the most annoying guys out there. He's got this moron jock aura about him, and a hip-hop gimmick that's like nails on a chalkboard. Because snot-nosed little kids buy his t-shirts, WWE keeps shoving him down our throats, regardless of the fact that obnoxious adult males like myself boo and mock him at live events. Go away, John Cena.

46 Shelton Benjamin - A former amateur wrestler from the University of Minnesota. In case you're curious, he's got bleached hair because his nickname is "The Gold Standard". Get it? That's not even the worst thing the writers have done with him. Despite being an incredible athlete, he's never been treated like a big star because he doesn't have enough charisma. To this end, he was briefly managed by his overbearing sassy momma, as portrayed by obese former sitcom star Thea Vidale. Why do I watch this stuff again?

67 Melina - Consider this scan your reward for putting up with a wrestling post. In case you're curious, she's famous for doing a full-extension split as she enters the ring. Don't make me get the hose...

85 Junkyard Dog - The Legends subset is the real gem of this set. Sadly, JYD was killed in a car accident a decade ago. The other Legends I got in the box were Superfly Jimmy Snuka and Brian Pillman.

25 Jeff Hardy - Just your standard poetry-writing, North-Carolina-born, ex-druggie, raver-looking, ladder-jumping former World Champion. Rumor has it that he once gave his brother, fellow WWE talent Matt, a dead fish for Christmas. Like you do.

So I did get one Allen and Ginter mini in the box (CM Punk, for those who actually care). It was right purty. There was also a die-cut magnet of Batista, which seems like an odd choice for an insert. And the bonus pack? Four cards that I'd already gotten in the other packs in the box. I realize that the entire base set is only 90 cards, but come ON. Whoever packed that box deserves a good powerbomb.