Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween Swag

I didn't have time to go get a pack to open today, I was too busy trick or treating. What the hell is a 35 year old fat man with a full beard doing trick or treating you say? Well, my Sailor Moon costume was a big hit at the office Halloween party and I thought I'd put it to good use and get some candy out of the deal. Hey, I live in Georgia, all the kids around here are fat as me anyways.
Let's open the bag:

All right. This is a good way to start the night. The neighbors always have good candy. They kind of looked at me funny though, I think I might have borrowed their hedge clippers and forgot to return them.

Mary Janes. Halloween has officially started now that I've got some Mary Janes. I don't know who the hell eats these things, but you have to get some every year. It's a law or something. The neighbor who gave me these is into other kinds of MaryJane, so I'm not surprised I got these from him.

Hrm. A weird multi-color swirl pumpkinhead lollipop. Eh, could be worse I suppose, although I shudder to think what yellow-orange-brown flavor must be. I hope someone gives me a battery for my digital camera tonight, scanned candy looks terrible.

Yeah! Smarties! That's more like it. I'll have to remember not to drive over this guy's lawn anymore. What? His garden gnomes taunt me. THEY MUST BE PUNISHED.

What the hey? A little miniature clip-on compass? That's an odd Halloween treat. At least I'll know which way is North when I TP their house tonight.

Cowabunga dude! Nobody better lay a finger on this.

SWEET! The crazy dude down the street is giving away mini packs of 1991 Donruss! That's freaking awesome! I'm ripping this thing open:

BC-9 Mark McGwire Highlights
185 Storm Davis
80 Kevin Reimer
Willie Stargell Puzzle .10 .11 .12

Nice one! A Mark McGwire card for Halloween. This is cool, I'm going to go home and change my costume so I can get more packs. I think this Tron costume should work... Let's get more candy on the way home though.

SweeTarts, hell yeah. I'm eating these now, I need a good sugar buzz to go with my pack opening high. I admire any company who prints "Bite Em" proudly on their product's wrapper.

Great... Chinese generic lead-flavored Dollar Store candy. At least they have fun designs to look at as you perish from the contaminants.

I got a rock.

Ya know, normally this sort of thing would bug me, but the guy at this house knows what a big Peanuts fam I am so he gets a pass. Besides, I did have a little trouble with the scissors when making my costume.

Does anyone really like these things? They're not really taffy, they're not really chocolate, they're some sort of unholy mix of the two. These guys have some good marketers to be such a candy icon. Not bad inside a lollipop though.

I didn't know Lewis Black lived on my street. Hey wait! I gave these to his kid last year!

Ok, back to the crazy guy's house. He looked at my new costume and made a strange remark about a camel's toe or something, but he still gave me a another pack. Let's rip:

40 Milt Cuyler Rated Rookie
265 Scott Scudder
160 Chris Bosio
Willie Stargell Puzzle .4 .5 .6

I got changed into that goofy costume for this? A crummy Milt Cuyler rookie? Oh no. I'm not ending the night on this note. I'm changing costumes again and getting another pack. I was saving this outfit for the Ayn Rand Society Ball, but I'm putting it into action tonight. More candy first though, I NEED MY SUGAR FIX

NEEEEEEERRRRRRRRDDDDDDSSSSSSS!!!1 Brilliant, I need more sugar to get my groove on in this sexy, sexy costume. You are what you eat you know, so down the hatch.

I don't care what anyone says, I like this song. It's delightfully minimalist. Let's check out the joke on the back.

from Emillie D. Turlock CA

Well, obviously he was screwing Lady Liberty by eroding our 4th, 5th and 8th amendment rights through enforcing increasingly draconian laws passed by a corrupt legislature written not to serve the public interest but to further the lawmakers' own careers by mollifying the populace with empty rhetoric while filling the coffers of their corporate patrons while an increasingly jaded and docile citizenry simply accepts these attacks on their personal freedoms as necessary evils in a post-911 world but who cares since Dancing With The Stars is on. Damn, Emillie must be a damn hippie Communist to have the nerve to submit this joke! Well she is from California so I'm not surprised.


Yep, that's basically what I said. I'm not eating communist candy. Next house!

You gotta be f-ing kidding me. Raisins? On Halloween?? Generic crappy raisins even, not even Sunmaid? These guys are are gonna get egged to kingdom come later tonight.

MUCH BETTER. The classics. This is proper Halloween candy dammit!

YESSSSS!!!! BOTTLE CAPS! THE BEST CANDY EVER! I love this stuff! Every year I get some in the bag, remember how much I love it and then go out to the store to buy some only to find it's all been cleared out to make room for Christmas crap. Wait a minute... OH NO! I gotta go to Wal-Mart right now! No wait, baseball cards. I have to keep my eyes on the prize. Back to the crazy guy's house.

Well, he gave me one more pack and a restraining order. May as well open the pack...

2 Craig Biggio Diamond King
181 Pete Harnisch
76 Mike Henneman
Willie Stargell Puzzle .46 .47 .48

Biggio Diamond King! Awesome! I love this card. I even made it Card of the Week a few weeks ago. At least I got one last good pack.

No more candy for me tonight, I'm worn out and I have some movies to watch tonight. Besides my pantyhose is riding up and a cop car has been following me for the past 20 minutes. Perhaps they would like some Laffy Taffy?


Andy said...

Awesome, funny post.

--David said...

Hilarious post! I love Mary janes (the candy, not the "other") AND Tootsie Rolls. I can't believe you found a guy giving out cards! Man, if we had only been so lucky....

dayf said...

In the spirit of honesty and forthrightness, I must admit this is a dramatization. I unfortunately don't have the outfit Divine is wearing and if even I did she'd look better than me in it.

I got a bunch of these 1991 fun packs a long time ago and never bothered to open them. I dug them up this summer and decided to open a few for a Halloween post.

Andy said...

Yeah...I understood it as a joke/fabrication. Still very funny though.

Jay Maynard said...

Craig Biggio rocks!