DONT CHEW THE GUM

Fellow blogger Scott saw the awesome contents of my '87 Topps Football pack and was so inspired that he stated he might chew the gum in his own pack. I thought it was a joke until he stated it again in his '89 Bowman pack review. I just want to state for the record, DON'T DO IT. Those things aren't Twinkies, those chalky sticks of gum were never meant to be consumed after a certain period of time has elapsed. The time it takes for the factory to seal the wrapper and place the packs in the box is about the shelf life on that stuff. If you don't believe me, here's visual proof:

Does that look chewable to you? Go ahead and click on it to get the full visual impact. After a certain period of time the molecular structure begins to change and it transforms into something not of this world. Kind of like Melvin Junko in The Toxic Avenger after he takes a dive into the vats of Toxic Waste. (warning: link is skeery and gory in case your work don't like that stuff) Yeah Melvin is a hero, but do you really want to chew on him? If that doesn't convince you take a gander at what it did to the card:

That's not gum damage, that's a whole new lifeform devouring that card like the kids on the raft in Creepshow 2. You want that in your mouth? Even the new gum in Heritage packs goes south rather quick, look at this stuff from a box of Heritage I opened a couple years ago:

That gum is hermetically sealed in plastic, and it's still turning all sorts of funky colors. If you're still not convinced that such an innocent little pink stick of gum could be so evil, here's one more bit of evidence: a 1988 pack of O-Pee-Chee.

120 Kirby Puckett
149 Ken Howell
175 Kevin Bass
181 Mariano Duncan
189 Bob Dernier
87 Casey Candaele rookie cup
82 Dion James

That thing is stuck tight to Kirby like the critter on John Hurt's face in Alien. It's even turned the color of The Blob. No, not the good version with Steve McQueen, the cheezy 80's remake version. Look at that mess! THE GUM HAS BONDED MOLECULARLY TO KIRBY. Nope, it couldn't decide to eat Casey Candaele, it had to go after the only good card in the pack. Let's do our best to try to save Kirby.

Well, it looks like Kirby will live and he didn't even lose a limb, but he will have the scars from this terrifying encounter forever. He got off easy, one of the other cards in this group of O-Pee-Chee packs I bought a while back was completely devoured by the monster gum. I'd post a scan, but it turned sentient and escaped. Heed my warning, and DON'T CHEW THE GUM!