Thursday, September 11, 2008

Star Wars CCG: Jabba's Palace

I don't even want to think about baseball tonight. In fact, I haven't wanted much of anything to do with baseball for the past week and a half as my Brewers are trying their damndest to keep themselves out of the playoffs for the better part of a millennium. For such an emergency, I've set aside a pack of Star Wars cards received as a throw-in from a trade from dayf. The little metal rod thingy on a chain has broken through the glass to retrieve a red-tipped fire axe. Behind the axe was this pack.

Let's tear in.

Top to Bottom:
Nikto (Literary reference: The Day the Earth Stood Still, and later on, Army of Darkness.)

Weequay Hunter (Literary reference: Melville.)

Skiff (The vehicle that was built to fail. Few of these, if any, make their way out of a Star Wars sequence unscathed. Where is Ralph "Unsafe at Any Speed" Nader when you need him?)

Don't Forget the Droids (Worthless in so many ways. I am in no way familiar with the rules of this CCG, but I'm willing to bet this is not a very desirable card. After all, someone in the Rebel Alliance had the forethought to design a backpack large enough to fit a Wookiee with the sole purpose in mind of carrying around the disassembled parts of a droid following a beatdown. Sure, R2D2 had that screwdriver/communication device thing that interrupted the garbage compactor, but any good tradesman could have done the same job in half the time. TK-427 my f--king ass!)

Ishi Tib (Starfish-shaped head. Worst background character design since Ree-Yees.)

Sandwhirl (In no way a part of the Original Trilogy. Think, this card could have been a Sarlaac. It's like buying a Yellowstone National Park collectible card pack and expecting Old Faithful and getting a Columnar Basalt card. Geology lesson, bitches!)

Jabba's Palace Sabacc (Instead of an action shot of a sabacc game, which has never been shown in the films, we get an exterior shot. What is the one thing you expect to see in a gambling montage segment of a movie taking place in Las Vegas? Slots...lots of 'em, hitting lucky 7's. Jump cut to the close up of a hand shooting craps, jump cut to a close up of a roulette wheel, track out to reveal happy 1960s gamblers surrounded by women with Mount Rushmore-esque heads of hair. Instead we get this. This card fails.)

Yarna d'al' Gargan (Six tits, none of them attractive. I'm curious to know if she's a meth addict like so many American strippers are. Be careful what you wish for...)

Fozec (The rent-a-cop of the Star Wars Universe. I can imagine that when the shit started hitting the fan above the great Pit of Carkoon, this guy ran to the nearest pay phone and called the real Empire P.D. Either that or he escaped into the the most convenient Conan film he stepped out of earlier.)

The first two cards were cool, but the rest sucked. I'm not quite out of my doldrums, but this helped a bit.

1 comment:

dayf said...

You are correct in thinking Don't Forget The Droids is a sucky card. Its sole reason for existence is to cancel another card from a previous set that ended up too powerful. Stuff like that is why most CCGs start out really fun and turn into crap after a few expansions. Playtesting! It works!

FYI- rent-a-cop is the rare card out of the pack. I was hoping to give you a pack with Princess Leia in the brass bikini but you got Yarna d'al' Gargan instead. Sorry 'bout that.