Let's rip a crappy old Upper Deck pack for a lousy Sunday night. And let's mix it up and do commentary on each card like the cool kids do. I'm going to keep opening this junk until I pull a Reggie autograph.
235 Eric Hanson - I wasn't allowed to wear a baseball cap for my senior photo in high school.
8 Jose Bautista - Jose's up to somethin. I think he was about to nail Randy Milligan in the back of the head with that ball but he got caught.
75 Bo Jackson - Bo's wave reminded me of a Roman salute, which reminded me of Cartman dressing up as Hitler for Halloween and through randomly clicking on YouTube links I ultimately found this, which rates 5.9 Goatses on the Standard Internet Offensiveness scale.
147 Curtis Wilkerson - A baseball cap, flip down shades and eyeblack. Curtis doesn't mess around with his ocular health.
198 Bill Doran - No comment necessary.
653 Duane Ward - The first card too boring to scan.
671 John Dopson - The second card too boring to scan.
San Francisco Giants hologram - The Giants completely suck. Thanks to a three game sweep by the Nationals, the Braves are a half game worse than the sucky Giants. Now you know why I'm having a lousy Sunday.
783 Mark Langston - This card rates 7.2 Goatses. Hell, it practically is Goatse.
756 Sandy Alomar Jr. - Thank goodness, a nice card.
554 Alan Trammell - You just know Alan is providing some chatter out at short. Sa-WING Batta!
534 Jay Buhner - No one signed poor Bone's cast. Heh, Bone broke a bone.
420 Don Carman - Don't worry, this YouTube video isn't offensive at all. Weird as all get out, but not offensive. Of course posting something weird in conjunction with 420 is very offensive.
499 Dale Sveum - One time when I was at the local card shop some guy came in wanting to buy all the Dale Sveum cards they had. I don't remember why, I think they went to high school together or something. I will always remember the sheer frustration on the owner's face as he thought of all the Sveum cards from junky 80's sets he surely had, but would never, ever be able to find. Shortly after that he retired and left the business to his son. This card is also way too boring to scan even with the cool Brewers cap.
384 Israel Sanchez - To not scan this card would be anti-semetic, and therefore, offensive.
216 Jose Rijo - Radioactive caps are always worth a scan.
I am offended that this pack had no Reggie at all. Of course I suffer from offensensitivity. I need to re-read Card Sharks now to find out how many cases of this stuff are out there so I can figure out odds on the signed Reggie. 14 billion divided by 2500 is good odds, right?