Sunday, September 14, 2008

PACK FIGHT - A&G vs. Goudey

Here it is, for the Heavyweight Champeenship of the blog. A one pack match up of the two packs that make all the bloggers swoon. Tonight only, in Madison Round Garden:

Current Champion: Goudey
Challenger : Allen & Ginter

Goudey knocked out Turkey Red last year in a heated battle to take the title. Turkey Red retired after his defeat and now Allen & Ginter steps up to regain Topps' honor. We have two box fresh Hobby packs squaring off today. We'll have ten rounds of action, one for the wrappers, six for the base cards, one for the junk, one for the minis and one for the insert/short print cards. I'll be using Olympic scoring rules rather than standard ten point scoring system because Olympic scoring is easier to rig. A&G is in the white trunks, Goudey is in red. The two fighters meet at the center of the ring and tap gloves. Michael Buffer stands at the middle of the ring ready to introduce the match and OH! A tragedy! Someone just just threw a folding chair at him! The restless crowd drags him off the canvas and someone who wasn't me - you can't prove anything - throws a turnbuckle at him. No worries, Joe Lewis didn't need some fool to bellow a trademarked catchphrase before his fights. Let's let the immortal Bert Sugar kick off this heavyweight match:


Close enough.

ROUND 1 - The Wrappers

Allen & Ginter comes out of the corner strong with a reproduction of 19th century baseball art. A strong jab with the artwork is followed up with an uppercut for the erection inducing Heritage-style wrapper. Goudey regains his bearings and lands a blow to the body with strong, bright reds, blues and greens and an art-deco line drawing. The paper wrapper recalls the wonderful old foil paper wrappers Upper Deck used in the late '80s and early '90s and has a tactile sensation just as pleasing as the Heritage wrappers. Goudey lands a solid right hook, but leaves himself wide open. A&G pops Derek Jeter right on his smarmy mush right before the bell.

Goudey 2 - A&G 3


N0. 73 Jack Morris - 211 Josh Hamilton

Both fighters are quick out of the corner to exchange shots. Morris gets in a barrage of jabs - four time World Series champ - 1991 World Series MVP - five time all star. Hamilton blocks and gets in a solid shot with Rule V draft pick turned MVP Candidate. Fazed by the blow, Jack, 8th all time on the wild pitch list, whiffs a left hook and opens him self up for some more shots by Hamilton. League lead in RBI, 31 homers. Look into Jack's eyes, you can see he's dazed. Josh takes advantage and nails him with a solid right hook for that Home Run Derby performance. Jack somehow stays on his feet and lasts to fight another round.

Goudey 5 - A&G 8


N0. 21 Nick Markakis - 161 Randy Winn

Goudey realizes this ain't no tomato can he's fighting and lays back for a little rope a dope. Winn continues the fevered attack but can't get through Nick's defenses. One all star appearance, best hitter on a lousy team, traded for Lou Piniella, nothing gets through. After getting locked in a clinch Nick pops Randy with a .402 on base percentage jab before clamming up in a defensive posture again.
Goudey 6 - A&G 8


N0. 151 Bill Mazeroski - 91 Scott Rolen

A&G comes out punching once again, but Goudey's defensive posture frustrates him. Scott's 5 all star appearences is doubled by Maz, who lands a jab. Seven Gold Gloves for Rolen, is blocked by Bill's 8. 1997 Rookie of the year? How about1960 MLB player of the year. Rolen gets careless in his frustration and WHAM! a 2001 Hall of Fame induction left hook is followed with an uppercut combo that shocks Scott just as badly as Yogi Berra in left field of Forbes field on October 13, 1960. Scott reels, stumbles and is DOWN! Rolen is down! He's hearing the boos of Philadelphia fans in his head, but he manages to get up before the count reaches ten. A&G backs off on the attack and makes it to the bell.

Goudey 10 - A&G 8


N0. 156 Trevor Hoffman - 163 Jeremy Hermida

A&G knows they need to change tactics after that round. So Jeremy Hermida comes out swinging. A bat. Clocks Trevor right upside the head. Jeremy is warned by the ref, but they give him a point for having such a sweet follow through. Goudey takes the blow in stride as he now knows that he's in A&G's head. Trevor goes out there and just taunts Hermida. See this ball? You want this ball. But you can't have this ball. I'm the closer, I get the ball. Jeremy knows better than to tangle with a dude who had 550 saves, and tries to get Trevor in the clinch. Hoffman still gets in a few jabs - six time all star, two time Rolaids Relief Man award winner, All time saves leader. Mindful that he's losing the round, Jeremy unleases a vicious uppercut - 2007 One Game Playoff! - and connects! Stunned, Hoffman regroups and sends a shot of his own. "Oh yeah, buster? Which one of us will be in the Hall of Fame ten years from now?" OUCH. Low blow, but the Roumanian judge allows it. The two exchange some ineffective jabs before the ref breaks them up and the round ends. Both fighters go to their corners bloody and bruised.

Goudey 14 - A&G 10


N0. 52 Brandon Phillips - 291 Rich Thompson

Both fighters are winded after that last round. Goudey steps up with a speedy second baseman, A&G a rookie pitcher who has logged two games in the bigs. Brandon just smiles. Rich stares blankly.
Brandon smiles.
Rich stares.
Brandon smiles.
Rich stares.
Brandon smiles.
Rich falls down.
Brandon steps on Rich as he goes to a neutral corner. Rich fell down with 9 seconds left in the round so A&G is saved by the bell.

Goudey 16 - A&G 10


N0. 158 Adrian Gonzalez - 290 Ken Griffey Jr.

Upper Deck is feeling pretty slick right now. They've got a big lead in the late rounds, all they need to do is not make any mistakes and maintain the lead and they retain their belt. Goudey feels confident sending out a number one overall pick who pops 30 homers a year. Adrian leaps out, takes a swing and Junior literally grabs his glove in mid punch with his own gloved hand, twists Adrian's arm behind his back and head butts him across the ring. The next 1:39 of action is not suitable for a family audience. Gonzalez manages to stay on his feet until the bell only because Griffey won't let him fall.

Goudey 16 - A&G 17

ROUND 8 - The Junk

Upper Deck 20th Anniversary promo card - Absolutely nothing

Allen & Ginter doesn't even bother sending out a fighter this round. No Topps of the Class card, no Old Planter ad, not even a checklist. The super thick Upper Deck promo ad that wiped out half a forest to make stumbles confused around the ring for a minute and a half before punching itself in the face. This will not be known as one of the finer rounds of boxing.

Goudey 16 - A&G 18

ROUND 9 - The Minis

N0. 180 Akinori Iwamura - 113 Curt Schilling

Sensing that time is short and the match is close the two fighters immediately mix it up. Shilling delivers a solid body blow with 216 wins. Akinori counters with the fact that he's actually played in a game this year. Curt lands a right hook with his three championship rings. Iwamura jabs back with "Oh yeah, who's in first place right now, old man?" and follows that up with a tougher pull ratio. After some intense close up fighting, Akinori accidentally steps on Curt's ankle. The two look down to see a bloody sock. Akinori profusely apologises. Curt pops him right in the jaw and then writes about it on his blog. It's tough to type in boxing gloves so Iwamura gets in a couple of parting shots before the bell.

Goudey 21 - A&G 21

ROUND 10 - The Inserts

All tied up going into the final round! Which one will take the belt?

US36 Matt Holliday Oklahoma flag

No 277 Bill Russell Sport Royalty

Allen & Ginter's white shorts are now yellow. Matt bravely comes out of the corner attacking knowing this round is for all the marbles. Holliday gets in a few jabs - Oklahoma's got a cool looking flag, 2007 NL Batting title, that orange background looks terrible with Celtic green - but Russell shrugs them off. Holliday foolishly stays on the offensive and leaves an opening for Russell.

Eleven NBA Titles - pow!
Five time NBA MVP - socko!
Olympic Gold medalist - wham!
Twelve time NBA All Star - splat!
First black head coach in the NBA - kapow!

Holliday is barely on his feet at this point. Russell waits for his guard to drop and throws this last crusing uppercut:

You ever heard of Wilt Chamberlain? The most dominating player in NBA history? The guy who scored 100 points in one game?


Holliday is down. The ref counts to ten. Goudey retains its championship with a 10th round knockout of A&G.

Winner and still Champion: GOUDEY


Andy said...

Simply an AWESOME post. Thanks for all the work you put into that.

Dr. Burt said...

The Jack Morris card is incredible ...

Captain Canuck said...

listen to the voices dayf... do what they tell you....