1996 Merlin's Premier League

In my last post I asked you to vote on today's pack. The totals:

2006 Topps Updates & Highlights - 1
2008 Upper Deck Series 2 - 1
Surprise me - 2
one abstention

The winner by a two to one margin is 'surprise me' so here's a pack of English football cards from 1996. Surprise! I found this pack in a box of packs on sale for a quarter each and thought "hey, soccer cards for a quarter". I know bugger all about soccer though to that's why I'm posting this now instead of last month during the Premier League finals when this pack might have actually been relevant. Did you know that since this pack came out twelve years ago there have only been three different champions of the league? Manchester United, Arsenal and Chelsea is it. And we gripe about the Red Sox and Yankees. Not only that but the three worst teams each year actually get kicked out of the league. Reading, Birmingham and Derby got the ol' heave ho this year. I know a few MLB teams that need to be demoted back to little league. So here's a pack of twelve year old cards from a sport I know nothing about for your viewing pleasure. See what happens when you don't vote, people?

S07 Andrei Kanchelskis pop-up card
First card in the pack is a die-cut pop-up card that you can punch out and stand up. The most likely reason to do so is so you can take a hi-bounce ball and do a kick at him with your finger so he can get flattened. Andrei is playing for Everton here after winning a championship with Manchester United. Everton reminds me of the assistant from the BBC series Chef! and not a football club.


Next is an advertisement for their PremierGold cards coming in October. Only 80p for a packet of 8! The back has a soccer design for the kiddies to color apparently. Of course it's a soccer ball and a net, so I'm not sure what there is to color there.

41 Robert Lee
BEER SOCCER!!! Newcastle must be the Milwaukee Brewers of the Premier League. I've had Newcastle Brown Ale before, and it's a hell of a lot better than Miller though. No offense, Thorzul. Oh, Robert scored like, 93 goals and stuff.

05 Gareth Southgate
Gareth and Everton in the same pack. This is the Chef! pack. I wish that show was still on PBS. Now they have To the Manor Born. Who watches that? I really wish they'd pick up The New Statesman. Rick Mayall rules. At least bring back Dr. Who. And not that new crap, give me Tom Baker or give me death. Gareth plays defense or something. Linebacker maybe.

20 Gary Speed
Whoa! Gary's got a big ol' noggin! It's got it's own weather system! I thought Beckham was the one with the swelled head. Gary is Welsh which is why they can get away with mocking poor Gary's hydrocephalus. The English can be cruel. Gary was the Welsh team's captain. He, um, kicked the ball occasionally.

Wasn't that fun?? You'd never even know I kew nothing about soccer football. I've got another pack of this stuff, I'll save it till the new season starts. I'm sure you will all be waiting with bated breath.