Sunday, January 13, 2008

WWE Heritage III

Rarely is being out of the loop considered a good thing. This is one of those cases. I felt a few fits of nostalgia after dayf opened a pack of these, and towards the end of my latest trip to Target, I couldn't help myself.

I literally know who 0% of these guys are. My wrestling knowledge only comprises the meat in a sandwich of which all of the cards in this pack make up the bread. That is a horrible sentence, but what I'm trying to say is that my WWF awareness began around Wrestlemania III and ended shortly before Papa Shango and Doink the Clown came to prominence. I'm guessing these are the years 1987 to about '90 or '91. So in lieu of any actual constructive analysis of the wrasslers, I'll just comment on what the photos appear to depict.

Let's tear in.

Top to Bottom:
84 Bruiser Brody

Eyes: Crazy
He looks like a precursor to Cactus Jack, mentally unstable, possibly borderline retarded, put into the league to scare the shit out of little kids. Honestly, when I was little a friend of mine owned a VHS tape that was just a mish-mash of various wrestling stuff, possible set to music. It had its fair share of shit-your-pants-scary matches like a whip match that gave each of the opponents a bullwhip and was fought out in a ring with no ropes (tangling), but the segment that kept me up at night was the one about the Moondogs. Holy living eff! These guys came into the ring with large bones that could only have been human femurs, and they were chewing the marrow out of them.

Brody appears to restraining his left hand from delivering some sort of open-palm cobra throat punch.

88 Jack & Gerry Brisco

Gimmicks: None
Appears to be two guys who wrangled their junk into place and then hoped against hope that it wouldn't make an accidental appearance. (Thus the launching off the middle rope, not the top, for safety's sake.)

47 Jimmy Wang Yang

Facial Hair: Fu Manchu
Appears to be an Asian version of the Brooklyn Brawler. Has created an entire new American socioeconomic class category called "Asian White Trash" (soon to appear on your 2010 census form).

33 Ron Simmons

T-Shirt Slogan: DAMN
Appears to be in the same vein as blaxploitation actor Fred Williamson. Probably uses the term "honky." Old enough to be my grandfather.

17 Trevor Murdoch

Enjoys: Getting really close to bald men.
Appears to be a mixture of Bob Backlund and Harley Race

Grade: F
This pack fails miserably on so many, many levels. First of all, I pulled what must have been the five worst cards in the entire set. Secondly, the cards pulled only represented two of the years of Topps design, 1987 and 1980. I was hoping to get more a look of how this set incorporated the old designs, but that failed happen as well.

Let me fill your set needs!

1 comment:

dayf said...

LOL!!! I'm so, so sorry I am responsible for that horrible pack. Was the gum good at least?

Unfortunately I found out that the only three designs they used were 1980 for the new wrestlers, 1987 for the old wrestlers and 1982 for teh girlies. I might have to send you a girl card now so I don't feel so guilty.